Honey, listen...

I recently started studying a new course. The topic of listening is really the focus. Now, I have always been one to take communication seriously. I live for good, clear, conscious, and fruitful communication. But I never truly understood how imperative the listening part is for proper communication.

I have been inspired by listening to those around me, and realizing how much misunderstanding there is, between people, because of poor communication. People just don't know how to communicate sometimes. Of course, we want facts. According to a survey by YourTango.com 65% of divorce is due to "communication problems." Pumble says that 86% of employees and executives owe workplace failures to "lack of effective collaboration and communication." The New York Post issued an article describing how 71% of parents "struggle to communicate meaningfully with their child."

So, what factors make for effective communication? I read multiple articles and blogs on this topic. My biggest takeaways are active listening, body language, being concise and having compassion. But I really want to focus on the listening part of it all. So much is lost because we aren't actively listening, we listen to respond. Or we listen and start making conclusions and assumptions, so we aren't really listening anyway.

An article by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman called What great listeners actually do sums it up:

• Good listening is much more than being silent while the other person talks- the best listeners ask questions that promote discovery and insight.

• Good listening included interactions that build a person’s self-esteem- this makes the other person feel supported, safe and instills confidence.

• Good listening was seen as a cooperative conversation- interactions flow and are not competitive nor do people get defensive.

• Good listeners tended to make suggestions- here the important take away is the manner in which a suggestion is made i.e., provided in a way another would accept.

My thoughts on being able to communicate effectively come from what's going on within us. The ability to remain objective and also give acknowledgement. I think people want to be seen and heard. So, it's in being aware of a person's little ticks and body language. For example, someone looking away when discussing a point because they are processing their thoughts as they are speaking and looking back at you when the though process is over. Interrupting someone before that is over can be felt as a lack of focus and non-listening. We have all felt that when someone cuts us off mid-speech. They are more interested in their thought and opinion, that is not listening. We are often too deafened by our own assumptions and miss so much of someone's values and beliefs in what is said. So, listening is certainly making space for the other person.

An important aspect of communicating is establishing your feelings and being able to articulate this. As described by research article, Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling as Implicit Emotion Regulation. The act of putting feelings into words is called "affect labeling," the impact of doing this, according to the research, is increased emotional regulation and decreased autonomic nervous system activity (e.g., decreased heart rate,

cardiac output). Psychologically participants report the experience makes them feel less distressed. So, by understanding what you are feeling and labeling that emotion, be it just a thought or outwardly expressed, seems to have a positive impact on the body.

The take home... be honest with yourself with how you feel. Put words to those emotions, feel them and process them. When communicating them be clear. Listen to the other person. Really listen, to the words and the values they hold, to the body language, ask questions instead of being judgmental and don't assume you know the ending or how to fill in the blanks, rather ask. I think as humans, all we seek is acknowledgement at the end of the day. Acknowledgement can even be silence because I am making space for you, and I will listen.

Remember if you want to be heard you also need to listen!